There have been a lot of new moms lately in bloggy world. And some of these moms have mentioned how they instantly fell in love with their child.
Part of me feels bad for admitting that it wasn't this way for me. But I also feel that it's good to admit it so that others who may feel the same way know they are not alone. I just hope that I'm not alone.
I remember the day we met Isabel. I remember being thrilled watching Dave hold her that first day. He was so in love with this little girl it made me smile. But when I held her I was cautious. Maybe it was because I didn't want to seem too over the top with others watching me, including M, I don't know. But I know that it was not instant for me. It had nothing to do with who she is or how she came into our family. I know that the week of our adoption was a very nervous one for me and I didn't show emotions like I thought I would at all.
Our second night together Dave was at work and I couldn't get her to sleep. I started to sing a song that I made up just for her in that moment. Still sing it to her today when she's having a difficult time falling to sleep. It was in that moment that I started to fall in love with my daughter as she looked up at me. I remember blogging about it and just reread the post and have to fight back the tears now that want to fall.
But I didn't really start feeling like her mom for some time after that. I'm not sure why it took me as long as it did but I've talked with other adoptive moms and it was the same way for them. The dad's instantly attached but it took some time for the moms.
It could have been any number of reasons including of course the instant motherhood that I had just begun. But I did finally feel like her mom after 6 months. Yes it came very close to finalization but that's not what made the difference. I never really doubted that she was ours just didn't feel attached. If I had to guess though I'd say that we were never allowed an incubation period together had a lot to do with it. If people weren't coming by then they wanted us to be here or there. It wore me out and I didn't feel like I could say no and I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.
Next child that comes into our family will be a bit different since I have realized that I needed that time.
I would like to add that I can not get enough of her now. I am constantly amazed at how beautiful she is. And I can't imagine any other child in our family. And I have to say she's brilliant and surprises us every day with her new achievements.
7 hours ago
11 comments:
I had two whole months at home with Aidan after we got home from Russia. . .I attached okay. . .but, like you, the real "Mommy" feelings didn't really kick in until a few months later. Now I just melt thinking about my little dudely, a full year later. I wish I'd had more time alone with him at home during that initial two month time period.
You are not alone. It took me 5 or 6 months to really feel attached to our son. I didn't expect that magic moment at placement though because I know myself and I didn't instantly attach to my bio kids when they were born either. (though it was a much faster process with them...)
I did immediately fall in love with MM when I saw her and then even more later when she was placed in my arms. I'm not sure about DH--probably not until he actually had her in his arms (where it felt more "real").
Now, my bio child, that was another story. I remember holding him and looking at him feeling like there was no way he could be mine. That all changed when they had me hold him skin-to-skin (kangaroo hold). I can't say I had that over-the-moon feeling of love for him like I do MM, but then I only had 7 days where it's been over a year with MM.
The whole "instant I held her in my arms" thing is very foreign to me, even with my bio kids. Maybe even more so with the bio kids because pregnancy and labor wore me out. But it was not love at first sight with any of them, it grew gradually and is as intense for all my children regardless of their form of delivery.
I felt the same way. My husband instantly felt it and I think it made me even feel worse. I honestly think that my "problem" was that after she was born S had her pretty much the entire time. Don't get me wrong I am glad that she had that time but I think it almost made me feel like a "visitor".
I understand completely. Took me awhile, too. Not so for Keith.
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I have read it many times on other blogs and talked to a few friends who adopted and they had a sea of different and sometimes weird emotions after they actually had the baby. I think that it takes everyone time to adjust in their own way. I will definitely let you know how I feel.
I'm with you, friend! Matt was a natural - I took my time. And, there are still days that I've had enough of him and am counting down the minutes until bedtime. Thanks for posting with honesty. I always appreciate that about you.
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I started writing a whole big comment and decided to just make it a post on my blog :O)
Remember in our adoption education at Buckner they "warned" that we might feel like you did, and that it was ok and normal. I think when we were learning all that stuff we probably thought, "oh that won't happen to me." But sometimes it does.
It took me a while to really feel like a mother too. On placement day, I wanted to be able to ooh and ahh over our new son, but I am not a mushy gushy person. I know a lot of people who are. I thought I would cry when I held him for the first time, but there are so many emotions, and you don't want to do anything to discount the birthparents. I wanted them to know how happy I was, but didn't want to go overboard. It is hard to balance those emotions, and it doesn't really feel real. Once we were home, I still couldn't believe someone really gave us a baby to take home. Some days I still walk in while he's sleeping and can't believe he's really there.
I went through the motions of motherhood, but I think it was several weeks for me to feel truly invested and engaged with our son. It probably took a few months for me to feel like a real mom.
You're definitely not alone.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It took me six months, too. I was just so exhausted. I think that my personality had a lot to do with it. I couldn't really get comfortable until I had all the picky little details taken care of. If I wasn't worried about his sleeping schedule, it was his formula amount, or his bonding, or any number of other things. I finally feel like I have a handle on the whole mom thing and now I enjoy it.
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