I've been struggling with how to write this post for weeks now. I'm trying to be completely honest.
A couple weeks ago I went to the doctor because I was having some chest pains. I knew it was nothing serious. Assuming that it was blood pressure or heart burn as I struggle with heart burn a lot.
After talking for awhile the doctor asked if I'd be willing to take a stress and depression test.
The questions were kind of interesting as 1/4 of them were related to sleep of which I get next to none but their answer options were asking if you sleep too much.
I answered it as honestly as I could. At the bottom I saw how they scored it and added it up for myself. Mild Depression. The doctor said there was nothing to be concerned about but I knew there was. Because as we talked it made sense to me with how I'd been feeling lately.
So I went home and grabbed Post Adoption Blues off the shelf and started reading as I could. It's hard to read because I'm reading me. Reading some of the things I've been going through.
I don't doubt my love for Isabel. I don't really doubt that I'm her mom, I know I am.
What I do is put too much pressure on myself.
I planned a lunch with a friend to talk about some things and started a list so I'd remember.
#1 on the list was that I feel like we are not providing what M wanted for her daughter. My friend assured me that this wasn't the case and that if I felt this way to just ask M.
Also included on the list was feeling like Isabel was the only one when we went places but as we talked I realized that it wasn't true. We're in a very diverse neighborhood and church. We had just gone to a few places where she was the only child of color and it bothered me. I think a little bit of that too is wanting to start another adoption to provide her with someone in the family that looks a little like her. And I can attribute those feelings as coming from a blog I read where their daughter felt alone in the family. I know many kids go through this. That's my trying to be so protective that I bring myself down in the process because it's just not possible.
I also don't see myself as the parent I thought I'd be. That's an adjustment I need to alter or fix. Become the mom I wanted to be or learn to live with who I am. That one's not that easy. But I'm trying to do a little of both I guess.
I also feel like we're being judged because we adopted. Like we're held to a higher standard then most. Like I can't honestly share these feelings because someone will think I regret our decision to adopt or don't enjoy being a parent. Hmm... maybe I should just stop blogging and that might fix that problem. But blogging is such a great outlet for me to release some of these things.
And then there is one in the middle of my list (which I'm looking at as I type this), family acceptance. Well I got a shock of just how much my family doesn't accept it. I think that's why I'm finally writing this post. Because I'm realizing that while this past weekend is not what started this it's what is going to push me in the hole even farther and I need to stay on top. And just writing this post is going to help me.
My family grew up as a pastor's family and then as missionaries. We're supposed to love and accept everyone even those that don't look like us. Even those whose families have nothing in common with us. Those that believe different then us. It shocked me to learn that my family does not accept M and that even worse some don't accept adoption. I'm really struggling with this knowledge. Wanting to show them how beautiful it is but if I haven't shown that to them in the last 15 months then I can't.
I think all this with my family is made a little bit worse as the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing is only days away. For some reason this year it's hitting me just a little bit harder. I imagine it's because I've finally let go of my sister and trying to reconnect with her. Part of it is knowing that of my family my dad would have set some things straight and not let it continue.
But it's me that has the issue now and I need to take care of me. I just don't know how because I'm so exhausted. So this post is to admit that I'm dealing with a little depression and to ask for your prayers. If you've been here yourself and can help me then feel free to email me. If you have negative comments keep them to yourselves. Recognize a hurt woman and don't hurt me worse.
I have good days and bad days. It all comes like waves. Sometimes the wave lasts all day sometimes only an hour.
Oh yeah, I'm going to talk at the Seminar at Buckner tomorrow which will likely be a good way to start healing my broken heart.
16 hours ago
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18 comments:
#1 I get 100%. Especially since I am back to work full time (after only 3 months) and we had planned for me to be a SAHM for at least a year.
I can't relate to the race thing, but I do think that if it is on the forefront of your mind at all, you will fare better than most!
As far as being the kind of Mom you want to be, I don't know exactly what you are referring to but I feel like you are a GREAT mom that is very invested in her daughter and family. I do believe that if most mothers were half the mother you are, our world would be a much MUCH better place.
I also don't feel like you should have to stifle your struggles. For me, post-adoption IS a lot harder than I imagined. Being a mom, per se, isn't. When it comes to just me and R, it is pretty much perfect. But when you add in the rest of life (work, finances, housekeeping, juggling family, adoption issues), it gets TOUGH! Don't think that people don't understand and that the response will be "you asked for it." We did ask for it and we knew it was going to be hard and it is. And that is ok!
Your family acceptance is a tough one (isn't extended family always?). I am reminded of a quote "the family you came from isn't nearly as important as the family you are going to make yourself." (or something like that). But I get that it is easy to say...
I agree that the seminar tomorrow will be good for you. It will take you back and help you relive the best parts!
I'll keep you in my prayers, my friend! Thanks for sharing with us!
Oh, I also wanted to say that sometimes I feel like the blog world makes us crazy. I posted about it just today.
Have you ever heard the Brad Paisley song, "I'm so much cooler online?" I kind of feel that way with blogging moms. When we (they) write, things seem kinda perfect and like everyone has it all together. Everyone seems like super mom (you included!) and it makes me feel mediocre. I think really we all struggle the same, lose our tempers the same, feel depressed the same and just plain get LOST in the world sometimes.
I have to remind myself that people tend to talk more about when things when right than when they lost it a little.
God Bless!
Debbie, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I cannot imagine the hurt and challenges. I will definitely be praying for you and for the relationships within your family.
Your love for Isabel and Monica is so clear and so beautiful!
My sweet friend, first I'm sending you a big hug and letting you know it's ok. YOU are ok.
Second, depression in moms is more common than you think. I too have dealt with depression on and off through the years after adopting. I think think the struggle comes because we have had so long to imagine(fantasize!) our lives with our new child and then when reality hits, it succumbs us into a spiral of negative thoughts(ex: I'm not the mom I want to be, everyone is a better mom than me, etc.) and eventually depression. Life is never perfect or always rosey and yes, I feel alot of bloggers candy-coat alot of their struggles to the detriment of the rest of us who desperately need to know we are ok, we are normal. Ya know?!
Exhaustion, especially for as long as you've gone without straight sleep will always cloud your viewpoint. I know. I've been there, done that.
Think of it this way, you are pioneering a whole new way of life in your extended family. Being a pioneer has never been easy. It takes a strong person with their eyes focused on the goal to push thru. It HURTS...physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But in looking at the end result (which unfortunately may take years) will be a large family group with no thought as to have a person came to be in that family, or what race they are. That will not matter. All that will matter is that you are family. Period. It may not happen in this generation, but you are planting the seeds that will continue to grow and eventually blossom bringing forth much fruit! Generations down your family tree it will look like a beautiful patchwork quilt...full of all different colors and all different pieces as to how it came together.
Hang on to His hem Debbie. HE will never fail you and He is SO VERY PROUD of you!!
Picture all of your blogging buddies gathering their wagons (prayers) around you and cheering you on. Just remember, God chose you for this pioneering work and He never gives us more than we can handle. Big, big hugs!!
Wow. If you're this honest with Isabel as she grows, you'll rock as a Mom.
I think post-adoption depression is far more common than people think, and I recently added it to my list of "personal missions" - to write and talk about it and bring it out into the open.
I struggled to find my footing after we brought our daughter home. I constantly felt overwhelmed, was never able to catch up or feel finished in any area of my life. But I was head over heels in love with her, and after 8 years of IF, I gladly accepted the challenges of busy motherhood.
Therefore, I was completely stunned to find that Baby #2 really knocked me on my can. Overwhelmed? Before I got out of bed in the morning. Exhausted? Just get me through the next 15 minutes. Irritable? On edge? Less than loveable? I obsessed about the fact that sleeping was the only time I had to myself and since I was asleep, I couldn't even enjoy it.
Like you, I didn't dare say anything to anyone. Actually, I made a few feeble attempts to let on that I was on the brink, but people just chuckled (really!) and said, "Oh, come on. You're living your dream come true!" Yeah, thanks for that support. I'll just climb in my giant pile of guilt and not bother anyone with my pain anymore.
You are NOT alone. What you're feeling is very normal, very real, and very, very challenging.
It sounds like you've got some insight into a few things that may be weighing you down, e.g., the anniversary of your dad's death, you family's lack of acceptance, the conflict between the values you were raised with and those you see expressed by your family today, pressure to live up to your ideal Self. You've got a lot going on!
When you're a mom of a little one(s) it's hard to do the basic things you need to do to take care of yourself - sleep, eat, rest, think, breathe, exercise - but I hope you can find some balance. You deserve to feel better and Isabel needs you to.
One more thing, and I apologize for going long or overstepping my boundaries, but depression is real. It's not "woman's worry" or you copping out; it doesn't mean you're weak or selfish or unorganized. It's as real as diabetes and hypertension and cancer. Would you leave yourself untreated with any of those conditions? If you haven't already talked to your doctor, it's a good idea to do so. There's no reason to suffer.
Thinking of you.
We're allowed to be sad/mad/frustrated and all those other things sometimes too, even if we adopted! Just because we built our families through adoption doesn't mean we don't have a "right" to those feelings when those are the feelings we have! I get what you're saying though... sometimes we're harder on ourselves than others are even.
About giving Isabel what Monica wanted for her... you can't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Look at the big picture. I'm sure what Monica wanted most of all is for Isabel to be in a family that loves her. She is loved, anyone can see that. You always have her best interests at the front of your mind and all the rest is just details. Nobody can expect more than for her to be loved and cared for. There will be times that you won't agree with what Monica might have wanted, but you are Isabel's Mom and you have the right and responsibility to choose for her when it comes right down to it. You have to do what you think is right for Isabel, regardless of what anyone else wants or thinks.
Hang in there and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Wow ladies! Need a tissue reading these. I'm know I'm not alone but thank you so much for the reminders.
I hope more will comment. I'm so glad I didn't just post that I was going to take a blog break and hide under my bed like I wanted to. Love you ladies!
I've been through depression myself and I know how hard it can be. If you ever need a human to talk to we can exchange numbers...I am there for you.
I am so sorry that your family is not as accepting of your beautiful girl as you had hoped. They are the ones losing out.
I'm sure Monica would tell you if she wasn't pleased. I worry about "K" because she has dropped out of touch.
If you don't make her being a child of color a big deal she will notice it less.
I too felt guilty because I had dreamed of being a mommy all my life and then when I got it I thought I should be able to be supermom...I had to adjust my thinking too.
If you want to adopt again that is great, but I think Isabel will be fine either way being an only or a big sister...She needs you and dad more then she needs brothers and sisters.
YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS!
PS...YOUR ON THE PRAYERS LIST FOR NEXT SUNDAY
Thank you for sharing your heart... I am sorry you are feeling these things. We live in a cruel world, and it's even harder when that cruelty comes from home. I am praying for your heart and for you families. Your daughter is perfectly beautiful and God has an amazing plan for your lives!!!! ((hugs))
Oh Debbie,
I so can relate to so much of what you say in this post. Especially the part about not being the kind of mom you thought you'd be, and having to either change that or be happy with who you are.
I guess I thought being a mom would change me a little more, who knows? But no...I'm still the same old me. It is hard, and it is harder still to fight the urge to want to appear "perfect" on the surface. I think, much like BB said...we ALL try to do that, but underneath it, we are all struggling some and trying to put a happy spin on the way things are. I think it's a little bit human nature to want to do that, and to want to smooth over the rough patches.
And to top it off, you've got some really tough family issues with which to deal. There is no way that any of us could take the bundle of difficulties you have in this regard and handle it any better than you have and do.
I guess I don't say it often enough, but you are an amazing mom!! I listen to/watch the things you do with Isabel, and I am amazed. I know you judge yourself harshly (as we all do,) but if you could look through my lens you would see something completely different!!!
Please know that you are always in my prayers. You have always been a favorite blogging buddy of mine, and even when I don't or can't comment as often as I'd like to, I do read your posts, and I do think of you often.
I know you know you're never alone, but it bears repeating yet again...I'm here ANY time you need to talk, you know how to get in touch with me.
Huge Hugs,
Melba
P.S. Pleas don't stop blogging!!!
Debbie, Thank you for being brave enough AND strong enough to share this with us. I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off over many years. I found for myself that medication would help take the edge off, while I would see a therapist to help me work on things I wanted to work on. I am proud of you for heading to the Dr and asking for some help. You are already many steps ahead of other people.
I am so sorry to know that you are dealing with this. I hate to see my friends face difficult challenges. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs, Jill
Oh, my gosh. You are so not alone. I think every mom, adoptive or not has some level of depression after they bring home baby. And I think with adoptive moms it is a little harder on us, we are kind of catapulted into mommyhood. We have had to "prove" ourselves to social workers, the agency. We have had to be "chosen" by the bmom. Then after we bring our baby home, we must continue with the sw visits. Then of course everyone wants to give you advice. Then you have the added stress of adoption, open adoption, building a relationship with the bparents.It can get quite overwhelming. I know the 3rd month was the hardest on me. Now I think i am getting the swing of things...but...
I also agree with BB. The blogging world tends to add on the stress. We write about the good and perhaps not the bad, we don't want to be judged, yet again. Everything must be good, good, good, you must have the happiest baby...and you read those words and they just make you feel more shaky in your role as mama.
Hugs, friend. You are not alone.
I feel that way sometime too and it is almost 5 years since our adoption. It is true, I always feel strange about "complaining" about what other people just seem to scream out! And we have an issue with adoption in our family too. My husbands family won't even visit our daughter and my father was adopted and we didn't even know until my brother and I found it on the internet. Maybe it is a generation issue. I'm not trying to down play it, but it seems it might be. I don't know. It is not like we go around saying this is my daughter, she was IVF, or this is my daughter conceived in back of the car? I mean give me a break people. Why is it always this is my granddaughter from Russia. How my in-laws address it! I just don't get it sometimes too!
All I can say is cherish you daughter, and husband and YOURSELF! Life is hard! Don't get too down and plan something fun. That always helps me! Take care
Kristin
Debbie,
Thanks for sharing all of this. You have gotten some amazing responses from people who like and admire you. I have read you for a long time and I think you're an amazing mom. You do everything you can to do right for your daughter and for her birthmother. The lack of sleep you have endured over the past 15 months would be enough to make anyone depressed. I'm pretty sure there is clinical evidence that sleep deprivation can cause depression. And as others said, add all of the additional issues you mentioned on top and it is no wonder.
The reason I don't post as much anymore is because I don't know what to write about unless something major happens. I have lots of thoughts and emotions I am struggling with right now regarding open adoption, but I am not so good at expressing them and don't want them to be misunderstood, so I haven't blogged much.
I too have what I call the "mom guilt" where I think I'm not doing everything I should do to make sure my son has every opportunity to learn and develop. He gets lots of love, is well-fed, nurtured, taken care of, played with, but I often find myself worrying that he hasn't learned enough because he can't point to body parts yet, doesn't clap or wave. Honestly if I would just give myself a break, I think I would find that he is learning, he just does it all in his own time. He'll mimic me when he's ready, not when I'm ready, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Mom guilt! My husband doesn't feel that way.
Sorry, this is going to be long...
Monica may not be one to express her feelings outwardly, but I bet if she did, she would tell you she is glad that Isabel is happy and loved. You can't worry about raising her exactly as Monica would have, you have to do what you know is best in your heart.
I am sad that family members are not accepting of your adoption situation. That would make me very sad too (and disappointed). How frustrating. As you said, with your upbringing, you would expect them to be very accepting. Have you let them know how much it hurts you that they are not giving you and Isabel the acceptance you need and deserve? I know you have tried to educate them and show them how beautiful it can be, but do they know of the pain they cause you? I hope they will open their eyes and put their prejudices aside.
I hope that you start to feel better soon.
I just found your blog and I felt like I am supposed to write you to let you know God sees how you feel and he is not the least bit suprised. I have 3 boys and we are in the process of adopting 2. I have had depression and it is horrible. A good mom is not doing everything perfect or even loving every second of being a Mom. Some people love every second I get tired andmy kids can drive me crazy. This doesnot sound pretty on a blog but is life. Love is not a feeling it is a decision. You are the best Mom for these girls. God gave them to you and you have what they need. I am so sorry about the family but THEY will be the ones missing out. Adoption is where Gods heart is. You are AWESOME!!!
I'm a big proponent of feel what you're feeling ... go through it. You'll make it to the other side just fine.
You are documenting your ups and downs honestly, greatly benefiting you and others along the way.
I don't know much about taking care of J&B's hair, but what I've learned, I've learned from you.
We all have bad days - and I think those are the days you might be referring to not providing what Monica hoped for. But, you ARE the Mom she hoped for. She didn't seek out perfection ... she sought out you. You are absolutely the Mom she wanted. Even on the less than glamorous days.
I have been nothing but overwhelmed these last few weeks. I have to (hourly) remind myself to count my blessings. It hasn't come easily. I feel sometimes like the quaint little apple cart I had with Fletcher, has been knocked over, and flung across the street! There is NOTHING easy about what is going on. But, it's still OK.
I think what I'm trying to say is that you aren't alone. Regardless of how you build your family, there are ups and downs, good days and bad days, smiles and frowns.
just getting caught up after my trip and my shower. (thanks again!)
big, big hugs to you. i hope by now you're feeling a little better. remember that the only person you can change is you. you can't change your family, no matter how much you want to help them grow and see your beautiful daughter for the joy that she is.
and, practically, i suggest st. john's wort. i take it on occasion. it just takes the edge off that depression. it doesn't make you turn cartwheels, but it makes you more able to cope.
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