Negative Adoption Language

Or was it just a moment of lack of a filter from brain to mouth.

A nice family get together of other transracially adoptive families for dinner and some fun. I decided to invite in our parents thinking what better way to show them all how nice adoption can be plus expose them all to families like us. While the night was lovely and we all had fun because of this one conversation I'm not sure it did what I had hoped.

Sitting at dinner my MIL engaged the family next to us in conversation and asks how many kids, polite way of saying I have no idea who belongs to who here so help me out!! Dad responds that they have 3, 1 biological and two adopted, but are looking to give away some right now. Chuckles and says it again. And then to make it even worse he looks at his son and with a smile says "isn't that right?" Seriously! Who does that?

Fall Photos

Dave and I took Isabel to the Texas State fair grounds on Wednesday morning. We were headed to a museum but instead stopped to take some nice fall pictures. These are just a few of our favorites from the day. Isabel loved chasing the squirrels and kept asking to go up the tree to follow them. And the 'ducks' were a big hit. But the ducks weren't really ducks they were swan boats.

Birthdays on Open Adoption Roudntable

There is a new Open Adoption Roundtable up at Production Not Reproduction. I haven't done one in awhile but this one I figured should be an easy post to do.
The topic is birthdays in open adoptions. The questions posed are:

• What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?
• What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?
• Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
• How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?
• If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?
• If you’re an adoptee, how were birthdays celebrated in your family with regards to open adoption?
• How do you wish they would have been celebrated?
• And anything else you can think of!

We've only had one birthday party and M was very involved in the day of the event but only because we asked her too. I had emailed her prior and told her if she wanted to be a part of some part of the birthday celebration to please let me know. I wanted to leave it up to her not knowing emotionally how she would be at the party. But Dave had other ideas and asked her to be a part of it all that day. The cake and presents she was right there with us. While I don't regret that we will do it differently next time.
Next time we'll likely not have her a part of the cake but still have her with us as we do presents, if Isabel will allow it. This year M held Isabel as we opened presents and it worked great. But as Isabel gets bigger that likely won't be the same so we'll see. We'll have M involved in some way.

Because her bio great grandparents weren't able to stay in town (they live 3 hrs from us) I hope that next birthday we're able to do two celebrations. The big party and then us drive over to do a celebration with more of her bio family. Give them the option of coming to the party if they want while knowing we'll come celebrate with them as well. Or we may just do a small celebration at our place the day before her actual party if they can come. This would also give M the opportunity to not come if she didn't think she could handle it. She seemed to do great at her first party. Plus no one really gets to spend a lot of time with Isabel during a party with lots of friends and family. Just family (including her birth family and us) there are 26 people and that doesn't count second cousins that we'll invite as well.

So now onto the questions that I can and haven't already answered.

Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
Yes we do. We agreed to get together on our near birthday and Christmas.

How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different?
Given that M is the quiet type I'm glad we have that established so that we don't have to wonder about a visit around those times. Sure schedules and distance might be an issue but I know we'll always try to visit around Isabel's birthday and Christmas.

Isabel's party was a couple of days before her birthday. On her actual birthday we called M and talked to her. That's something I hope we continue in years to come. Of course as Isabel learns to talk she'll join the conversation. And she sent a birthday message that morning for Isabel.

If anyone has a question that I didn't answer feel free to leave them in the comments.

Anon asked a question; "Why is it that you would include M. for the presents but not the cake? Is there some significance to the cake being just your immediate family? I've never been to a party where the two didn't go together, which is why I'm curious."
I actually thought about this question myself as I wrote the post. Bottom line is that it is selfish on my part which is why I had to think about it myself to learn what was behind my saying this.

As you see M was in the middle of us as we sang Happy Birthday. It's not that we didn't want her to be a special part of the party because we did. I originally thought we'd have her carry the cake in but then I thought she'd just feel silly especially since she didn't make the cake.
For me the cake is about the cake and since I spent so much time, effort and love on making this cake for my daughter's birthday I wanted that part to be just me and her daddy. And I'll continue to make her cakes as she gets older (assuming she lets me when she's older) so I would imagine I may feel the same at her 5th birthday, but I might be very wrong about that.
So bottom line after that long story is that for me the cake and presents are different. I hoep that doesn't make me seem too selfish.

Straight Hair Do's

Shaken Mama left me a comment (hope you don't mind me quoting it here).

My own kids have straight or wavy hair and I have NO IDEA what to do with it. So I kind of wish there were a resource just like YOU, but how to do straight hair. Sounds kind of ridiculous, but I envy the resources you've found, and how incredibly cute Isabel looks with the do's you pick for her!!

Let me step down off the pedestal. ;- ) I really appreciate all the confidence you have all placed in me with Isabel's hair. You don't know just how much I appreciate it. For those of you with straight hair beauties here are some resources for you.

Sugar and Spice and all hair nice
Babes in Hairland
Kenny do's
Princess Hairstyles

I found these on Happy Hair Girl's site, which is one I frequent as well as Beads Braids Beyond.

If you start doing some of the styles in those blogs you must make sure I see pictures. There are some amazing ideas there.

The Connecting Link

Last month I attended the Tapestry Conference and was very blessed to hear Karyn Purvis speak on The Connected Child. If you follow this link you can listen to the audio from her session.
She talks about ways to connect with your child are through; body, voice, face, eyes, proximity, hugs and touch. And shows practical examples of how to do this with your child. (you can order the DVD here if you want to see the examples)
She shared that these things will show us the child's history, attachment, beliefs and expectations. But not only can we learn this from our child, we will bring ours into the relationship with our child. The good and the bad. She encourages us to forgive ourselves so that we can be fully available to our children. Encourages us as parents to own our history with fierce honsety. To journal for 6 months, attend a support group or talk to that one person that you can truly share with about your history. And as you talk or write it out to let it go and reach forgiveness and gain humor if you can.



She shared 3 ways your child will try to be distant from you is through control, manipulation and anger. That our children who came from a traumatic past will try to control the situation or their life to the degree that they thought they would not survive. This (I believe) is where hoarding food comes in. Children come home and hoard food because they fear being hungry. Kate recently posted that her daughter has started putting the food she is too full to eat in a see through container on the table to remind her that it's there if she needs it.

It's about an hour long but so worth listening to. I learned a lot about myself and I did share a tear or two.

Stuart Little

I love kids movies and we have a nice collection of movies at home. As Isabel gets older we'll start a movie night with her and it's important to me that we see the movie before hand. So I watch them with new eyes now. Is it really a kids movie, is it safe for her to see and now I watch it with the eye of an adoptive parent.

There are lists of adoption related movies here and here if you are looking for any.

I had Stuart Little playing the other day while Belle was upstairs taking a nap. And as I told Dave, this one will be put away for awhile now. There's nothing wrong with the movie. It passes all the tests even though it isn't exactly accurate to real life adoptions. But as the adoptive parent of a child of another ethinicty it failed for me. And as with anything it will depend on how sensitive and secure a child is but since we don't know that about our daughter right now we choose to be careful with what she'll see and hear as she gets older.
- They are at the orphanage picking out their child and meet Stuart the mouse. They go back and talk to the orphanage director and she hesitatantly asks if they are sure. Saying that adoptions between different species don't always work out. The mom very firmly says that this one will. Yeah, I know it's subtle but the idea that a child could hear that and think that a white person adopting a black child does not work out might hurt them and their security in their family.
- Then Stuart's 'real parents' show up and want to take him back. The adoptive parents don't want to send him with them and you see the 4 of them in a room discussing it. The 'real dad' asks them how they'd feel if they were living with someone that doesn't look anything like them. That Stuart will always have an empty space. Earlier in the movie Stuart confides in his mom that he does have an empty space wanting to know about his birth parents, which is what prompts them to search for them. So this statement from the 'real dad' makes them agree to sending him back.
Incase you didn't catch it, for me viewing that might show a child that they'll be returned to their birthparents or just to people that look like them.

Yeah, they are subtle I know. But they are there and like I said it would just depend on how sensitive and secure your child is.

(Somehow I upgraded my edit window. It's awesome and super easy but there is no spell check, so ignore any errors.)

Find My Family - ABC

ABC is going to premier the show Find My Family on Nov 23rd. The preview I just saw said birthmother and daughter. Yet the write up I found online only says lost loved one so maybe it won't be all about adoption search and reunion but I don't know.

"Find My Family; It's one of those rare, feel-good shows that has cross-generational appeal," said RDF Media USA chief operating officer Tony Yates. "There won't be a dry eye by the end of each episode."
Two different reunions are featured in each episode, as participants reveal what happened to their relationship -- and cameras follow them as they meet up with their long-lost relative, friend or love.
"What we love about the show is that the emotion is really earned, and it's honest," said ABC alternative series/specials/late-night co-topper John Saade. "It isn't big, contrived moments. We're not looking for train wrecks."
Saade said he believed "Family" fit in with other ABC reality series such as "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and "Supernanny."

I'm sure I'll watch it because I like to watch things to do with adoption to see how it will show adoption. Basically I like to make my own opinion first. Looks like it will premiere at 9:30 on the 23rd and will be on at 9 the following Monday.

You can go HERE to watch the commercial.

Coming to My Daughter's Hair

When we decided to do a domestic adoption I honestly thought more about parenting a boy then a girl. We were still in the process of emotionally letting go of our Russian adoption that never happened. Never had a referral but we both dreamed of our son. So naturally I still dreamed of a son. But Dave always wanted a little girl. He thinks thought girls were easier.

So I didn't really put a lot of thought into doing a little girls hair. But I did save some sites that talked about and showed hair styles and how to's for Black and Bi-Racial little girls. And then I didn't think about it much. I knew I had it there if I needed it.

Then Isabel came home with silky straight black hair. All around me family were telling me they hoped it stayed straight. Even got a few comments hoping she didn't get those ugly black curls. But I secretly hoped that it would curl. And Dave hoped it would stay straight simply because he knew curls meant he wouldn't be able to do it (may post on that later). And curl it did. Started around 7 months and hasn't stopped. And that's also why I'm not sure if it will remain this texture and density. Because it was slow to change and has changed as it curled. And is still changing.

It became more involved to deal with her hair. I knew to wash only a couple times a week but I knew with a newborn you didn't need to wash it everyday anyhow. Finally one January day Isabel was 9 months old I put my first no slip clips in her hair. And used those little fabric hair ties. And then I cried. Because I had actually done it. Actually put bows in my daughters hair. I was thrilled. I was slow at first. Only putting two on top or the typical fountain which I've never been overly fond of. But I thought that's all I could do and after all it wasn't that curly, yet.

But then it did curl all over the place. Adorable ringlets that stuck very close to her head. And then I started to really learn about her hair. About helping her learn to love her hair as she grows. This has also made me realize that I need to take more care with my own hair. That the only way I can truly show her to be proud of her hair is to be proud of my own. So I'll be getting my hair cut more then 2-3 times a year now.

So one August day I did this. And boy did she look silly with just half her head done. But I was doing good just getting 4 in. I was proud of myself even then. But I knew I needed to keep trying and I did. I got the book It's All Good Hair and I found other sites to visit for ideas.

Now I feel good about her hair. I feel like I know what I'm doing but I can always improve. I feel as though I can go out and not worry about her hair. And I do get compliments often on her hair, but not from strangers. I get less comments from strangers when I have her hair done in a style.
The surprising part in all this and what has taken me all these months to get a grip on even myself is that I DID THIS. I did this style and I love it. It is Dave's favorite now along with just two big puffs or pig tails on the sides. Which her hair really isn't long enough for yet but we try.

My hair has always been straight and flat. The only time it holds a style is the first 2-3 weeks after getting it cut. And when you only get it cut 2-3 times a year that means lots of bad hair days. The only experience I had with hair growing up was when I watched a friends girls and did the fountain in their very fine blonde hair.

I don't think I realized just how odd it all was until my family was here last week. My SIL told me that she and my mom were talking and they were both shocked that I actually did her hair. I'm sure they still don't believe me and that's just fine with me. What am I saying with all this? YOU CAN DO IT TOO! I'm not a hair stylist but I do have creativity. But I also look at pictures and get styles. On a ride home from work last week I started seeing this latest style and did it that night. Didn't turn out quite like I saw but it's still great.

So why so many different styles? That's what Dave asks me all the time. He tells me that he doesn't want me to feel like I need to do something different all the time. So as I thought about this statement I realized that he is saying this from his experience with hair. He's had the same style and cut since high school. Made me feel a little better.

So why do I really do different styles? Couple of reasons; I like to and it's fun. I am a creative person so I like new things. And because I want to find what I like best and what looks best. And I want her to have options as she gets a little older.
Dave has told me that he does not like cornrows so I won't try that. Unless her hair does get tighter/thicker. But even that I wouldn't try for a few more years. I'm already pulling her hair pretty tight in some styles more then others and I know it's not the best thing for her hair. It breaks easily.

I get why don't I just leave it in curls more often. Well I do. But I guess I do like showing off her styles so most weekends she's in a style. But she's normally only in a style for 2-4 days depending on what's going on. The rest of the week she's in free curls or a head band or just clips in the front. This week her hair has been free all week. But as it gets longer and tighter it gets harder to de-tangle and keeping it in a style might be a lot of work one night but it's really easy while it's in the styles. I just put some lotion on the parts and spray it. No combs and it only takes a couple of minutes instead of at least 10 just to de-tangle.