Open Adoption Parenting

Reading THIS POST from Lori and her wisdom in handling this situation is something that I hope I am able to hold onto as Isabel gets older.

Her daughter in a moment of anger and sadness said "Why can't Crystal and Joe be my parents!?" She immediately went through her checklist.

1. Calm, center, open. Breathe, and be aware of my breathing.
2. Listen. Let her do most of the talking.
3. Assess. What is she really saying or asking?
4. Trade places. What might this look like, feel like, to her?
5. Abide. Give her space to feel her feelings.
6. Speak. Equal parts head and heart

Of course this conversation started in the car as I've heard so many conversations start. It's a safe place for children. A place where we as parents can't make eye contact with them. Also a place where we can hide the reaction on our faces just incase we are caught off guard.

I think #2 is the most important for me. To not just start talking and trying to reassure your child when they say things that you think are said out of pain. Trying to comfort them when they just need to talk.

Revisited

I had an opportunity to talk to the family member that I recently blogged about. But before I share I want to thank each of you for your comments. They helped in different ways and I really do appreciate the time you took to comment.

So here goes... I asked how they felt about us doing foster to adopt. Not the concern for us being hurt but how they felt about it. Well it did not surprise me really to hear how they felt but I was surprised to hear it out loud.

"Well we will all want to bond with the child. And for me I just feel like if you have a child leave your home then that will be it for me. For the next one I won't do it. That the child will be my X but I won't have anything to do with the child."

Then went on to talk about the money side of it. Saying that there is a monthly amount that we'd get. I kind of cut them off at that point and said that we would be ready to have another child to come into our home without that money. That this has nothing to do with the money. Except the fact that it doesn't cost much to do the adoption. Yes that is a part of our reasons for looking into this route.

And then they changed the subject to something trivial about returning something that was partially used but was not satisfied with and apparently the store takes it back if you say not satisfied so they got $112 refunded.

So I was recounting this conversation to Dave later and I became extremely passionate about it. Told him that it didn't matter to me. That we're doing what we believe is right for our family and this person's opinion is not going to sway us. We knew it would be like this and that's fine. I'm glad to know it out loud, you know. That I don't just have to assume it anymore.

It will be their loss. Does it hurt, you bet. Am I worried about losing another member of my family, YES! But when you're called to do something as we feel we are you just can't let someone stop you because of how they feel.


We still reserve the right to change our path, we won't be starting for at least a year so many things may change between now and then. Hopefully this person will change their views on adoption. Hopefully I'll be able to pray that direction. Because I'm going to be honest and say I have a very hard time praying for people to change when they feel this strongly about something. But I'll try.

Now hopefully I can get back into blogging. This kind of messed me up with my thoughts for awhile. I didn't want to post this but feel it's good to follow up the previous post for any that have similar situations. Not that it's much help other then that I have come to realize that this family members opinion doesn't matter when it comes to growing our family and what our family is called to. Does make me wonder what another family member thinks. Think I'll ask them when the time is right.

Sunny Saturday

Peek-a-boo!!

Had a great day on Saturday. First we went to a birthday party for Isabel's friend. He turned two on the 31st. It was real cute to see her playing with all her friends.

Isn't this a great looking cake!

We try to take pictures together. But they don't always work out.

Such a big girl swinging on her own. She impressed some of the other mommies with children a little older then her and can't balance.

They all loved the teeter totter.

Snaps 4 Less

Snaps 4 Less

I'm up and running and just waiting for your orders. I'm not just selling snaps. I'm trying to provide a variety of items for all hair types and styles. Even included some items that I think will look great with some holiday dresses.

Through the end of the year I'm offering free shipping on orders under $10.

If you are looking for something you don't see let me know and if I can get it with my next order I will.

As I have time to do styles I'll be posting pics of Belle using the products available.

Family Opinion

I've got a question today and I want some input. So lurkers come on out. You can even comment anon if you like.

What I want to know is when do you allow your families opinions play a role in the decisions you make as far as adoption plans? By family I don't mean your spouse or children. I'm talking about your parents, siblings, etc.

When we considered doing a transracial adoption we talked to our parents asking them their opinion but it was always our decision. We would have taken their comments into consideration but it was ours to make. We did not talk to anyone else in the family about that decision before we made it.

Our next adoption I've mentioned that we are considering foster to adopt. We have one family member that makes me wonder about this path we feel called to. I wonder because this person did not allow themselves to fully accept or bond with Isabel as a member of the family until after finalization. So my concern is that it would be the same with a foster child while waiting to finalize. The age of the child and length of time before we could finalize makes it difficult to think about a member of our family not accepting this child.

There is so much more I could share about the reasons for this concern but they are not necessary to answer my question. And I'm not looking for your opinions on foster to adopt or such.

I'm looking for what you did or did not discuss with your family and why. And if after your first adoption you did it differently the second time around with family.

Lesson Learned

Richelle just posted about sharing our stories. I have to admit I do not openly share our adoption story with people unless they ask. I think it's likely because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or hear about something they don't want to hear about because I can go on and on.

But as I read Richelle's post I was reminded of a recent encounter.
I work at Kids Zone two days a week again and Isabel is still in her daycare everyday, for the routine it provides her. Plus it wouldn't save us any money to have her miss two days of the week.
On Wednesday's I work with a very nice lady, L, who has two children. She told me about a month ago that she was pregnant. She's single and I didn't ask for details. I was thrilled for her. She knows I have a daughter but I had not shared that we adopted. Couple weeks later Isabel came with me (took some time off from the office for some quality time with my girl) and upon entering our classroom L in a trying not to offend way asked me if she looked like her daddy. I quickly explained that no we adopted her. I could have saved her from an uncomfortable moment if I had shared with her before that we adopted. Lesson learned for me on that one.

But I got another lesson from it too.
About a week or two after she told me she was pregnant she had a miscarriage. I expressed my sympathy. And then the following week she met Isabel and learned of our adoption. She immediately told me that she had been thinking about adopting. And just this week we talked in length about it and she shared that she had been doing research for about a year now on adoption.

All this time I have been working with this woman and can offer my support and knowledge and because I was too timid to share that we adopted we lost weeks where she could have been learning. And more importantly that I can get her in contact with other singles who have adopted. And give her books and things that may help her.
Weeks didn't make any difference for her. But the lesson learned is that by not sharing our adoption story I don't know how many people I miss the opportunity to learn about it themselves. To learn that you don't have to be rich. To learn that anyone can adopt. And that it is such a blessing to walk the path.

Now if only our story weren't filled with a bunch of twists and turns it would be easier to tell but that's a different story.

30th & 31st Pictures

Dancing to her own music while waiting for our flat tire to be fixed on the 31st.Daddy bought her some M&M's but she didn't want them. Only wanted to play with the machine.

Amazed her daddy when she knew this is where soda's came from. He doesn't realize that I frequent soda machines with her. She's not getting a drink though, she's pulling trash out (ripped pieces of paper from the bottles) and running them over to me. She's very considerate about not throwing trash on the floor unless she's upset.

She loves anything that rolls. And enjoys this type of chair at the doctor's office too.

And being in the festive Halloween dress up spirit I told Dave we should pose her in a small stack of tires. Think we could get free tires if we submit this for an ad???

We went to pick some things up at Dave's parents last night and then planned to go to a fall festival that was close to home. So we changed Isabel into her angel costume before heading to the festival. We got some nice posed pictures. Trying to fly like we're telling her.

And then Dave told her to do a fishy 'Globe globe' and she did which is how we got the angel wing look in a couple of these.

And of course 5 minutes before we could get to the festival she fell asleep so we decided to just go home and put our sleeping angel to bed.

Friday at daycare they had a little party. It was so fun to take her dressed up but she sure didn't like it. Nothing I did would make her stop pulling at it and fussing.

But once we got there she was okay. Checking out the scarecrow. And you can see the halo I made. It's just a couple of pipe cleaners twisted together. I bought the costume last year on sale and didn't realize that it should have come with wings and a halo. But it was only $1 so I won't complain. The halo did not make it home with her. Apparently she got her hands on it and they thought it was destroyed. I was sad since I didn't have any more pipe cleaners. Which is why she doesn't have a halo in the other pics. Some kids were coming out as we were going in and one of the girls came up to give Isabel a hug (they all know Isabel) and knocked the halo off. She was very apologetic. I told her not to worry that it sticks in real well and showed her. Hope she wasn't too upset with herself.

And this is what we've been doing since Sunday. Spending time with my brother and his family. Isabel loves her baby cousin. Cammie (5), Isabel (1 1/2), KD (11 months next week) and Jessie (10).
Isabel adores her baby cousin as much as her older cousins adore her. Check out her T-Shirt, it's Princess Tiana, found it at Target.

Ways to Help a Child Feel More at Home

It is National Adoption Month and I'm trying to post some things that I've learned and read over the year during this month. The subject will vary but always be related to adoption and foster care, with an occasional Belle update.

Whether it's an older child adoption or a foster child that enters your home, these are some tips to help make the transition a little bit easier.


- Put their picture up ASAP.
- Give them chores and reward them upon completion.
- Start a nighttime routine of prayer or reading.
- Use what they brought with them to decorate or allow them to help pick out one or two things for their new room. Helps it become theirs.
- Ask them what they like and provide it if you can.

For the foster child that you don't know how long he may be in your home, enroll them in activities right away. Don't wait to see what's going to happen. Treat them as if they will be there for an extended time or forever. Buy the soccer cleats so he can play in a game. Even if it's just for one game it may be the only game he ever plays in and he'll likely remember it.