Thursday, January 22, 2015

Grief Revisited

Two years ago we loaded all her things in the CPS van and I buckled her in for what we thought would be the very last time. 
This scene haunted me. Seeing my girls together one last time. I think of that time without her and I know that she's safe in our family now. Her bio family is not a safe one. They are all mixed up in things they shouldn't be and probably have no idea how to get out or even live any other way. We walked each day while she was gone praying that somehow God would break the pattern so she wouldn't grow up and walk that same path. He answered that prayer in removing her from that situation a second time. Twice redeemed. 

That weekend we escaped for the weekend. Yes we were running away from the pain. We were also  trying to reconnect as a family of 3 once again. It's what we did when M&L left us and we knew it would be helpful again. We knew we had to face reality but for the moment we wanted to stop time and just be together. We didn't even go home. We couldn't face the house without her at first. 

I'll never forget taking pictures in this spot. Hopefully one day we'll go back with Flower. Maybe we should do that this weekend. D's phone had a photo cover I made him of his girls. Just before this picture he took one of just Tinkerbell and I and it was torture when he told us to smile because we were looking at sweet Flower in that moment. We didn't take many more pictures on his phone that weekend.

And then there is this picture of Tinkerbell dancing in the rain at Disneyland.. My friend commented on it;

I bet you'll look at this pic time and again and relish her free spirited happiness here and give thanks for it
And I did. Over and over I thought about this moment. This carefree moment where life was able to stop and we were all able to just be happy in the middle of our sadness.

Grief comes and it comes like waves. Hitting you over and over and over again. But the calm comes too. We circled the grief cycle twice when Flower left. It was excruciating. But we survived. And if I thought my girls could survive we would do it again in a minute. But for now we protect the wonderful blessings that God has given us to care for right now. And we keep them safe from what we can.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to weep,
    And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
    And a time to dance;

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